I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
