he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
