I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize