I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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