Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize