the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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