Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
