so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
