I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
