Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
