make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
