Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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