how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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