Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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