Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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