Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
