'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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