I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
