When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
