This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
