All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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