then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
