Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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