Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
