I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
