My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
