I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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