My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
