I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Couch. On fire.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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