Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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