this beer tastes like vomit already
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This is classic penis vs brain.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
