when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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