so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
