just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
