If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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