Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Holy shit dude........stairs
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
