he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
