Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize