Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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