I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize