yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
