If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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