I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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