"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
