Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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