Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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