there's paper in my vomit.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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