got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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