That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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