I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize