Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
