I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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