I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
