I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
