I wanna bring you to show and tell
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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