please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
