You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
