I'm so fucking centered right now
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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