I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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