I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
