First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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