I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
