I checked into jail on foursquare
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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