Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
