she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
