saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
