Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
