Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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